I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me.
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve.
Learning to love yourself.
It is the greatest love of all.
These lyrics come from a Whitney Houston hit, “The Greatest Love of All,” which has become something of a Baby Boomer anthem. She urged children to find “all the beauty they possess inside.”
We Boomers loved that song because we wanted to find our worth apart from our parents’ approval of us. Of course, when we became parents, we sought to build our children’s self-worth through our approval of them. The point is, self-acceptance has been our Holy Grail.
I sympathize with this desire to build self-esteem. I agree that the golden rule, “Love your neighbor as you love yourself,” assumes a healthy love of oneself. However, I want to offer a warning. If we are not careful, our desire for worth can lead us to hurt others and ourselves.
In true Baby Boomer fashion, I want to commend a “step program” to self-worth that comes from Bernard of Clairvaux who lived over nine centuries ago.
1. One begins, Bernard says, by loving oneself for one’s own sake.
Some of Bernard’s contemporaries so emphasized original sin that they totally condemned this kind of self love. Bernard agreed that it is dangerous to remain in this early stage. Those who live in faithful service of their own needs and desires can wreck havoc in relationships and in communities.
However, a child is born into this kind of self love and there is nothing wrong with it. A baby has no choice but to be self-centered. Bernard doesn’t want to break a child of this kind of self-esteem, but to help the child grow to realize that there others are valuable too. This realization that others matter too may be a baby step, but is a first step toward a greater love of God.
2. The second level of love is loving God for one’s own sake.
Bernard’s second level of love evolves as one becomes aware that “If I want what is best for me, then I’ll love and serve the one who can do far more for me than I can do for myself.”
Though Bernard’s second level of love is still immature, it is the level of spirituality of many believers. It is why many believe in God. It is why most people join a church. “I want to be loved, so I will love God.” “I want to be saved, so I’ll believe in God.” “I want to be blessed, so I’ll keep God’s commandments.”
Clearly stuck in this second level are those who make the claim that without the threat of hell there would be in incentive to be a good person. Do you catch the assumption in that sentence? “If it were left completely up to me, what I know to be good is not what I want for me.”
Is that true? Is there no other reason not to cheat on a spouse except not to be caught? Is there no other reason not to steal than the fear of ending up in jail? Is there no other reason for serving God than the fear of eternal damnation?
Again, Bernard doesn’t condemn this level of self-love. He knows that a four year old may love his parents, but the threat of consequences may be what keeps him from violating certain rules. But a parents hopes a child grows into someone who loves the good for the sake of the good. And this brings us to Bernard’s third level of love
3. Bernard’s third level of love is loving God for God’s sake.
Threats of damnation are no longer relevant. One’s life has meaning and value in loving and serving the God who first loved us. It is difficult for us Boomers to understand the ancient mystics who practiced self-denial as a daily discipline, but their prayers for the people and their heartfelt devotion to daily submission energized the church and resulted in tremendous ministries of compassion in otherwise dark and brutal times.
That’s how it works, this “agape” love of God -it leads to an ability to love another so much that one can put their interests ahead of one’s own. One can even lay down one’s life for a family member like a spouse or a child, or a friend, or a community (or even, if one takes Jesus’ radical vision to be Gospel truth, an enemy).
Yet, Bernard would say that “agape” is not the highest level of love. There is one higher.
4. The highest level of love is to love yourself for God’s sake.
When Jesus said that the greatest love is the willingness to lay down one’s life for another, it was not because one’s own life is of no worth. When he gave his own life on the cross, it was not because Jesus counted his life to be of no value. Yes, we are sinners, but, our core identity begins in what God finds salvageable, not in what we find flawed.
Imagine the risen Christ asking of anyone who struggles with self worth: “Why consider worthless one for whom I died?” Or, to turn a question into an affirmation: “Don’t deem unworthy what I deemed to be a pearl of great price.”
I began the column by noting that to love one’s neighbor as oneself assumes that one loves oneself. Before Jesus articulated that golden rule, he first said this: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength.” That self-worth we Boomers have been so frantic to find, is found in love of God. To truly love God is to love those God loves…such as the world… such as you.
George Anderson is the senior pastor at Second Presbyterian Church in Roanoke, Visit them on the web at spres.org
