LUCKY GARVIN: THE BREAK-IN  [from years ago]

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Darlin’ wife Sabrina is under the delusion that our pet Doberman Onyx is a guard-dog. Onyx distinguishes herself in this regard by fainting at the sight of strangers.

The other night I’m in a deep sleep when I catch a sudden elbow in the chest. “Gahv! Gahv!” came her intense whisper, “I heard a noise. Someone might be in the house!”

I grab my pistol out of the drawer; she hands me my one bullet. I load. I sit up in bed. “You coming?” I say to her.

“I’ll guard the bed.” [She always takes the risky assignments. You can’t buy help like that, you’ve got to marry it.]

I get out of the bed and nearly kill myself tripping over Onyx – my strength and stay – sleeping soundly through the crisis. The only noise I know that will wake that dog is food being poured into her bowl.

I walk around the house; turn on all the lights. Between Sabrina’s snores, I listen for the noise. [I’m protecting the castle from rape and pillage, she’s in REM sleep. She doesn’t have a very high stress level. If we were robbed she’s have to hear about it on the news.]

No noise. I come back to the bedroom. I hear the noise again! It’s coming from Onyx! That dog is snoring too!

I get into bed. Sabrina mumbles, “Did you find what was making the noise?”

“Yup.”

“Did you shoot it?”

“I gave it considerable thought.”

Lucky Garvin

– Lucky Garvin