DICK BAYNTON: Eclipsomania and Eclipsophobia: Do Not Delay Treatment!

Dick Baynton

Finally, dear friends and readers, political adversaries are on similar paths. Now these paths of parallel have some tributary loops off them, but on balance, Republicans, Democrats and Independents are facing the same crisis. This is clearly a victory for clear heads as well as empty ones and includes those on the far right and the far left who have already left.

The crisis that has reared its ugly head is this: the emergence of an altogether new strain of mental illness called by liberals eclipsomania and by conservatives, eclipsophobia. Both of these psychobabbles are similar but different. Members of all political parties have been affected by this fast-spreading epidemic of dementia or psychosis. According to early alphabetical hypothetical rumors and hearsay, these psychotic aberrations have attracted the attention of leaders like former Vice President Al Gore and recently renovated Steve Bannon.

Other scuttlebutt (Navy slang for scuttlebutt) says reports of interest may be activating the CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention). There may be a convocation of national and world leaders to discuss the course that should be tillered (ruddered) to build a firewall of resistance to the pandemic (epidemic) spread of this insidious cognitive disorder.

Here are some symptoms that suggest immediate treatment using appropriate therapy. Problem: Sorrow by a person who spent $17 for a pair of ocular assists for use during the eclipse. Response: Hold onto those OA’s (ocular assists) and keep them in the family memorabilia; after all there will be another eclipse in just 99 years; don’t be sad! Problem: I was kind of scared, it got so dark! Response: Spend a winter near the Arctic Circle and you’ll get accustomed to dark days and darker nights. Problem: I felt sorry for the birds that were trying to go to sleep! Response: Call your ornithology first responder therapist and have him/her come to your home and sing song bird songs some quiet evening.

Reports have been flooding in regarding gatherings in stadiums and talk of ‘Moon Pies’ and ‘Sun dried chips’ to roil the consciousness of observers trying to watch the eclipse and stuff snacks in their mouths at the same time. The eclipse, in its 2,600 mile trip across the nation with its 70 mile-wide path took four hours from Oregon’s Pacific coast to the Atlantic Coast where it exited through South Carolina (9:06 am PDT – 4:06 pm EDT. The longest darkness period was in southern Illinois and lasted almost 3 minutes. People affected by eclipsomania and eclipsophobia were perhaps thinking, well, what comes next? Healing is extremely important and unconfirmed reports indicate that nutrition experts suggest that ‘Moon Pies’ be added to diets for accelerated recovery.

Woodrow ‘Woody’ Wilson was president in 1918 when the last coast-to-coast total eclipse took place. Currently Donald J. Trump is President-pro-tem awaiting confirmation that the election belonged to hilarious Hillary after Putin and Trump admit that they conspired to ‘fix’ the election in favor of the Donald. That effort is expected to take at least the full four years of the current presidential term and perhaps another 10 years for vote recounts.

Afflicted victims from all over the nation drove for hours just to get a glimpse of the eclipse. Reports suggest that as many as 11 million social media posts were made over the past several days. Thousands of eclipse watchers gathered in stadiums across the country and listened to lectures by professors of astrobabble and eclipsometrics. Millions watched the aberration on TV while millions of uninterested workers ignored the event and continued their jobs of drinking coffee and playing computer games.

Although this eclipse is a natural phenomenon anticipated by scientists who have no control over oceanic and atmospheric conditions, you can bet that every Member of Congress dreams of controlling natural phenomena just as they want to control the people who live in their districts.

One of the subjects for discussion at the 2018 Aspen Ideas Festival from June 21st to June 30th is headlined ‘Fake News Metastasizes.’ I hope this important article doesn’t end up being metastasized at the Aspen ‘Ideas Festival.’ Plan your Aspen trip soon so you won’t miss this important topic. If you can’t go yourself, send your Psyphoecliptotherapist.

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