Wild Bill’s Sports Roundup!

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Bill Turner
Bill Turner

“All’s well that ends well”

This is, of course, best known from the 1602 Shakespeare play by the same name, with a famous line by Helena that ends, “All’s well that ends well; still the fine’s the crown. Whate’er the course, the end is the renown.”

Yes, you always learn something when you read this column.

This month, the end is indeed renown. Not only do I answer the endless questions on why I ended my long-running high school football predictions, but we take a look at a late-night product review that is all well when your end is well.

At the end of the day, The Chief says to keep this column clean. He gets his wish in this edition in more way than one.

With further ado, here we go.

Congratulations go out to Kevin Lacey, the Professional Putters Association and local Putt-Putt entrepreneur David Mitchell for their exceptional national championship tournament held in Roanoke (see today’s story in SPORTS).

I’ve gotten the thumbs-up from Ohioan putter Greg Newport for a doubles match between Newport and myself against any takers that want to go head-to-head on the green carpet. To make it more tempting and to level the playing field, I’ve agreed to play blindfolded. High stakes putting awaits for any challengers.

Excitement continues to build for local hockey fans as the Roanoke Railyard Dawgs close in on opening night set for October 21st. Professional hockey returns to the Roanoke Valley for the first time in 10 years as head coach Sam Ftorek will put his talented roster on the ice in the Southern Professional Hockey League.

The Roanoke Valley Sports Club welcomes guest speaker Clay Nunley, new men’s head basketball coach at Roanoke College for its October 17th meeting at the Salem Civic Center. A 5:45 social is followed by the 6:00 dinner meeting. Contact Maggie Drewry at 540-353-1103 to make reservations and purchase tickets. Guests and potential new members are always welcomed to attend the entertaining evening.

High school football and volleyball move to the heart of their schedules this month. Lord Botetourt and North Cross, both undefeated, remain #1 and #2 on the football side, while Hidden Valley is the runaway #1 in volleyball.

Next, we move to the mailbag, where numerous readers have wondered where the high school football predictions went. Here’s one sample.

Dear Wild Bill: Your high school predictions were unbelievably accurate last season. Why have you stopped? (Neil/ Roanoke)
We’ll guys, “unbelievably correct” were the operative words. Last year my predictions went 80-10 (.889) for the “Big-11” eleven-week regular season, including four perfect weeks that brought the perfect week total to 9 since the inception of the column years ago.

A conversation with my Vegas sports book buddy, Harry ‘The Weasel’, had Harry advise me to give it up and go out on top. “You’ll never beat that accuracy, so everyone will say you lost your touch if you keep going. You’d be barred from Vegas with that record.” I’ll never say “never,” but that’s the reason right now.

Finally, to this edition’s late-night product review where getting the end in good shape is paramount. I bring you “My Shiney Hiney.”
I’ve got to admit, I thought my leg was being pulled when a reader gave me a heads-up on this one. Described as a perfect tool for personal hygiene, “My Shiney Hiney” is a curved 2-foot device for reaching the hiney. The set includes an applicator, brush, three bristle brush replacement heads and a finger brush for a more intimate cleanse. Sorta like a tiny car wash for your fanny.
Independent reviews rave about this product, claiming everything from having a hiney that now shines like brass, to getting a feeling like a nice breeze with the mint scented accessory sold separately, to working great on dogs. Who can question these kind of testimonials? I’m giving the “My Shiney Hiney” a 5-star Wild Bill positive rating. Let the cleansing begin.

And, to just think, I was ready to buy The Chief a “‘Woof-Washer” for Christmas.

Until next time, shine up your best questions to: [email protected]