Most of my friends are rather eccentric, and one of them recently recounted to me the following tale:
“It was two nights in a row. I woke up in a cold sweat, my left side and chest soaked through with perspiration. It was strange. I don’t remember having any bad dreams to prompt such a sweating response, and I hadn’t any spicy hot food for dinner the nights before. It was just plain weird.
It happened again the next night and the following morning somewhat shaken I called my physician who was unfortunately not forthcoming with a quick diagnosis and easy treatment. Dr. M. muttered something about hemispheric night sweats. He tried to reassure me that the condition might not indicate a big problem, probably not fatal anyway… Before he hung up he said, ‘definitely keep me posted!’ Ok, hmm . . . I’ll do that.
The day wore on. I started thinking that maybe I didn’t feel so hot. Did I have a fever? Was I perhaps a little peaked? Maybe so, maybe so. I tried to go about my work in a normal fashion but had trouble doing so. I was nagged with uncertainty. Would the night sweats return again?
Sure enough, another night of it -worse than ever. I was especially worried over the fact that these night sweats covered my body unevenly; moving around my back and chest, and one side or the other. With what kind of strange disease condition could I be afflicted? Something to do with a deteriorating endocrine system? Horribly out-of-balance hormones? Is my ability to regulate my body temperature like normal warm-blooded animals out of whack?
I know there are some terrible life-threatening, bacterial infections out there. Maybe this is just the beginning of one such deathly assault on me. Or, worse yet, is this affliction some kind of male menopause? Sheesh.
So after five such strange nights of fitful sleep accompanied by ‘hemispheric night sweats’ I sat on the bed, about to reach for the phone and call Dr. M’s office and insist to be examined and – as necessary – admitted to the hospital. My trunk and the left side of my body were wet…even the sheets soaked with sweat. Yes, the sheets soaked with sweat . . .
Or were they?
Suddenly I was cured -that’s right, CURED! I broke out in a fit of laughter that grew more raucous as I stood and ripped the sheets off the bed and revealed under close inspection – sure enough – a tiny leak.
A tiny leak, that is, in the mattress of my water bed, – a leak activated only when I was lying on the bed!”
I have a feeling he never did share the final diagnosis with Dr. M.
– Johnny Robinson