A FABLE
Once upon a time there were four couples who jointly bought a lottery ticket and they won! Given the problem of what to do with all that money, they decided to buy a sailboat. Now, this was the best of all sailboats, a three-mast schooner with more bells and whistles than you could shake a stick at. It even came with an instruction manual of how to sail it which was an immense help. They were an intelligent group so they had no worries about taking a cruise. How hard could it be? They all liked each other and it seemed a fine idea. So off they went to the Caribbean on their prize vessel named The Ship of State.
Everyone wanted to be the Captain, so they decided to take turns at the helm (sailorspeak for steering wheel). With surprising quickness they discovered that they didn’t know or like one another quite as much as they thought and arguments developed. Some wanted to go ashore at every deserted island they saw. Some were mad because the boat didn’t go fast enough to water ski. All were highly irritated that the galley (sailorspeak for “kitchen”) was the size of a phone booth so they refused to take their turn at meal preparation. The head (sailorspeak for bathroom) resembled a floating outhouse and the women refused to let the men use it. The women complained about chipping their nails and no hair dresser, the men complained about no television and having to do all the heavy lifting (climbing the rigging, hoisting the sails, and weighing the anchor, cleaning the bathroom after the women and the like). The Captain du jour anoyed everyone by shouting meaningless seagoing phrases like, “Ahoy,” “Make haste, me laddies and trim the mizzen mast,” and “Avast! Land Ho!” while everyone else lounged about paying no attention and drinking rum swizzles.
No one was sure where they had been, where they were, or where they were going. One thing was certain: This was not working out well. Little did they know the worst was just over the horizon. Had they thought to consult the National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Agency for weather information they would have told them that a tropical depression off Africa was heading their way with evil intent, that is to say, becoming a hurricane.
In no time at all the tranquil sea had turned into a boiling cascade of waves, howling winds, and eerily creaking timbers from the hull. The mainmast was the first go, followed quickly by the other two. The engine room and generator flooded, so the bilge pumps didn’t work, the GPS was a blank screen, and all radio contact was lost. One did not have to be a sailor to understand that they were in very deep water and the ship was being swamped. All the mates and maties went below with pots and pans and started bailing but it was soon clear to all that things had moved far beyond the bailing stage. Back to the deck they ran and threw everything overboard to lighten the load then began casting eyes about for which members of the crew would not be missed if tossed into the sea.
A miraculous thing happened! The sea became calm, the sky blue as they entered the eye of the hurricane. They saw a Coast Guard cutter, the USS Taxpayer, who sent a helicopter to rescue them. They rode out the storm in austere surroundings and managed to tow The Ship of State to port where it was salvaged, renamed The Sequester, and sold to the Chinese government. Safely back home back their most excellent adventure never was mentioned as “one of those things we will laugh about someday.”
MORAL: If you’re going to sail on The Ship of State be sure you know what you are doing.
– Hayden Hollingsworth