It is a common theme today to talk about not “spoiling” our children with too many things. While it may very well be true that giving in excess to our children will develop a sense of entitlement and lack of appreciation, there may also be a more subtle but just as disturbing development….or lack thereof.
Think back to when your children were between the ages of 4 and 8. How difficult was it to get them to put away their toys or pick up there “stuff?” This type of issue comes into my office on a regular basis.
While some may assume that the child is being disobedient or argumentative and in need of some snappy new behavioral strategy that if implemented correctly and consistently for 28.5 days….voila, the behavior will be corrected! This would most often be a mistake. Not everything our children do is disobedience or defiance.
Being a culture of excess, problems can exist just because we give when our children have not yet demonstrated a certain level of mastery. We believe that because they have 200 different toys and seem to play with all of them, they must surely have the ability to manage them as well. We tell them to put all of their toys away and they look at us as if we are speaking another language. We then view their lack of meaningful response as disobedience and begin a negative cycle of consequence and punishment.
A slightly different approach often yields a much better response. Tell your child they can have whatever toys fit in their toy-box. Anything beyond that is put away in the basement, attic, etc. Whenever they need to clean up we already know it is possible for everything to fit in one location and that they are able to place them there.
Once a week or at whatever interval you like, your child can swap toys in the toy-box for ones in storage….as long as they fit in the box. This does not mean that your child will necessarily put everything away when you tell them….this means you know they are capable and when they don’t, you now know it is defiance. When things are put away on request with regularity that is an indication your child may be able to handle a few things outside of the box….they are developing a basic level of mastery in this area.
What this simple example demonstrates is that we often set our children up by giving much before it is time. We see it every day with 8 year olds having cell phones, 14 year olds without curfews and 16 year olds who are given $30,000 cars when they get their license….and then we are shocked and enraged when they fail to manage them in a mature manner. These are problems that we have created.
Why would we be surprised that an 8 year old will abuse a cell phone when we can’t get them to clean their room or put away their clothes? Why would we think a 16 year old would take care of an expensive car when they fail to do their homework on a regular basis? I am not even going to comment on the 14 year old without a curfew – yet I see this all the time.
Some may say, including me, that a few generations ago kids and teens had so much more freedom than today….we would be right. The difference though is that we also required much more of children at much earlier ages than we do now. This developed a high level of mastery of many things at much younger ages, hence the higher degrees of freedom. I blame the “our kids just need to be kids” crowd for much of this.
We have taken a stance that childhood is a time of innocence and freedom without any sort of burden so as to not ruin their fond memories of such an early and fragile age. Because of this we have a difficult time saying “No” and regularly buy and give in excess of what is healthy. This is complete and utter rubbish. This thinking has given us the highest levels of anxiety and depression among children that we have ever seen.
Childhood is to be enjoyed, but true enjoyment comes from being trained and instructed in ways that develop mastery of managing life. This mastery is what sets our children up for success. The goal of childhood is preparation to be an adult – not full time enjoyment. We have stopped preparing our children and yet expect them to manage and navigate effectively. We have created this issue.
Ask yourself this: Am I preparing my child for adulthood or am I setting them up to fail? Back off on the excess and start requiring a little more. It’s OK if they don’t like it.
– Keith McCurdy
