Wild Bill’s Weekly Sports Roundup

Happy new year to everyone from the Wild Bill sports team as we get everything in focus for high school basketball district play beginning this week. This officially starts the road to Richmond and Petersburg, with a large number of ‘Big-11’ teams poised to be contenders.

Thank goodness we were scampering around to a quartet of venues Friday night, and didn’t get to watch the Russell Athletic Bowl. Rumor has it a couple of also-rans put on a disasterous performance in front of a half-empty stadium and frustrated television viewing audience.

Hey, don’t be mad at me; I’m just reporting what you’ve told me over the weekend.

No need to comment further on the score, but our sports team will be on standby to fill you in on coaching firings and university losses on over 10,000 unsold ticket commitments. I guess those $ 470 Best Buy gift cards and a watch must carry a lot of weight in the overall scheme of things.

According to a lot of Hokies in the know, if they clean house in Blacksburg, we’ll see a celebration that will make the Sydney, Australia New Years fireworks look like a sparkler stunt at a Chinese restaurant.

On to greener pastures.

A holiday week of four local high school basketball tournaments gave us a good mix, with 32 boys and girls teams from a three-state area competing. Hat’s off to the organizers for these great events, all of which were covered by the Wild Bill cameras.

Let’s take a look at the Wild Bill ‘Big-11’ Top-5 heading into district play.

#1) Patrick Henry- The Patriots hold on to the top spot after their impressive win over William Fleming in the K-Guard Holiday Hoopla. All eyes point to January 15th when the first of two regular season matchups with the Colonels take place at the Patriot gym.

#2) William Fleming- The Colonels pulled the coup d’etat with their semifinal win over previouly undefeated Gar-Field in the Hoopla. Mickey Hardy’s squad proved they will have a lot to say in the Western Valley District race.

#3) Northside- The Vikings came within a hair before a final-second shot by Franklin County relegated them to the runner-up spot in the Northside Invitational. Expect the Vikings to be a force in the Blue Ridge race.

#4) Cave Spring- The Knights stay in the top-5 depite a pair of losses in the Holiday Hoopla. Back-to-back nights against AAA Patrick Henry and Gar-Field are no bargain under any circumstances.

#5) Glenvar- The Highlanders are the pollbreaker and enter the Top-5 after opening with a 10-1 record. The Three Rivers will test Glenvar’s mettle to hang with the big boys.

Now, after a lot of requests, it’s time to revisit the now-famous Wild Bill late-night product review. Some of this week’s bowl games got so boring it was a  easy to mute the football and listen to the commercial pitches.

Product number one under review is the “Instabulb,” an illuminary device that somehow lights up a library without wires, electricity or even a permanent socket. According to the pitch you simply throw this gadget on the wall and, voila, light.

For you out-of-state readers, voila means ‘there it is’ in French. Yes, you always learn something when you read this column.

An endorser of this device shows her rue after receiving an $ 178 invoice from some clown who has charged that amount for wiring a light fixture.

No issue with the Instabulb, but I can’t figure what powers this thing. Hopefully, not fireflies or the same source that propelled The Olde Brooklyn Lantern.

Wild Bill gives the Instabulb a neutral rating until our boys in the lab dig a little deeper. Great price though- double your order twice for four Instabulbs for $10.

Product #2 is a hearing miracle at your fingertips. A suction device that looks and operates like a miniature hair dryer which siphons ear wax from your auditory canal.

The build-up pitch to this baby is a classic. First, a guy who makes everyone flinch when he pushes a Q-Tip through his eardrum. Viewers even get to watch a simulated eardrum being pushed somehere into the cranial cavity. No wonder the poor guy yells out twice.

That is followed by an attractive young lady who is giving herself a concussion by banging her head with her hand, assumingly trying to get water out of her ear. Although she isn’t able to say, we can only assume she is an aquarium inspector or deep-sea diver.

As is the norm, they double the offer, giving you a pair of these contraptions. That means if you’re ambidextrous, you can walk down the sidewalk, have clean ears, and look like a bighorn sheep to other passersby.

The Wild Bill product review gives this a strong “buy” rating, hoping for the possibility of my readers avoiding a hearing aid or a visit to the emergency room under the Obama health care plan.

Until next week, here’s to hoping all your wax problems come from those trick birthday candles. Otherwise send your inquiries to: [email protected]

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