I heard a great quote the other day: “Having children may make you a parent, but it doesn’t make you good at parenting.” I think most people would agree that just having a child doesn’t do much to prepare you for the actual job of parenting and that there are many ways of going about the job. As I relayed this in a conversation recently I was asked by a Mom, “What kind of parent do you think I am?” Well … I had to think for a minute and then I described the four most common types of parents I have seen over the years.
The first is the Absent Parent. This parent is uninvolved to the point of not knowing their child. They are unaware of their friends, activities, academic performance etc. This parent may provide general structure, but is mostly unaware of the true nature of their child or their lives. Another version of the absent parent is the spoiler. This parent takes the friendship approach and while appearing connected to their child, their involvement is mostly dependent on providing for the whims and wants of their children, and they rarely say no. These kids have the best brands and always seem to have money to spend. The difficulty is that these parents rarely provide boundaries and accountability. What is most often missing is guidance and direction.
The second type is driven solely by the emotional state of the parent and is known as the Reactive Parent. This style of parenting is dictated by how happy, sad, or angry the individual is. As long as the child keeps this parent happy, all is good. When this parent is angry, the child is in trouble. The engagement of privileges or consequences is not based on whether the child is making right or wrong choices. In this category, the actual behavior of the child is secondary to the parent’s emotional health. Not only does this provide a very chaotic environment, it also helps to create a young adult who very foolishly feels responsible for the happiness of those around them.
The third type is the Parent of Consequence. In this family there are often very clear rules and guidelines and there is always accountability. The area of weakness is that all parenting is based on whether the child is following the rules. The belief is that the main function of parenting is discipline. The parental authority kicks in whenever there is an infraction and consequences are the backbone of this home. This is the parent that views their job as a gate keeper but often misses the role of building their children up or providing opportunities for learning through mentoring or sharing life lessons. If the child isn’t breaking any rules, this parent doesn’t engage in “parenting” activities.
Lastly, we come to the parent known as the Trainer. This is the parent who views their role as a combination of providing rules, affirmation, accountability, encouragement, mentoring, etc. This style of parenting is very active and involved and often sees themselves as a teacher or trainer who is preparing their children in every way to be successful in life. There is a clear authority and developing a friendship with their child is secondary at best to other functions. This parent does however attempt to know their child very well and is quite aware of activities and issues in their child’s life. By being involved in this way and knowing their child, a parent is better able to effectively teach.
After hearing these four descriptions the Mom responded, “I think I am a mix of all four, but need to become more of the trainer.” I think that is where most of us would be. Most families have flavors of all four types present, but to maximize effect, we should all move more towards being more of a teacher or trainer. Take a look at how you deal with your child and see if you can tell what type of parent you are most like.