I had to laugh recently when a teenage boy asked me, “Did you see what the girl was wearing?” Now, one might wonder where I was to get such a question; at a restaurant, in a bar, at a pool? Actually, it was in the waiting room of my office. And it is a comment that I get quite often from my male patients. What is the problem? Are all of these guys too excitable? Is the female population too flirtatious? I guess I would have to say “yes” on both counts. The over-sexualization of our youth is at an all-time high. And we share a lot of the blame.
To say that things have changed in the last 50 years, or even the last 20, is an understatement. The introduction of the internet porn industry, the decrease in the amount of fabric in current fashion trends, or just the over encouragement of dating at younger ages is beyond what anyone would have suggested generations ago. Many of these changes we just take as a way of life, living in the 21st century. Yet we can have a significant influence on this if we choose.
First, take a stand with wardrobe choices. This category may seem like a no-brainer, but it can be more difficult than you think. A child’s view on clothing begins at a very early age. The problem is that the v-neck blouse that is cute on the 8 year old girl is quite different when this same young girl goes through puberty and develops physically. The standard however has been set. Trying to reclaim previously lost modesty is quite difficult. Choose your child’s clothing early and cautiously….yes, you choose the clothing. Think ahead. How will my daughter look in this fashion when she is 13, 16, or 18? Do I really need to see her navel all the time? This type of guidance can help to avoid significant battles with a teenager. I tell teenage girls regularly that they need to be careful because they tend to get what they are shopping for. When any female flaunts her body, even accidently, she tends to attract guys that are primarily interested in being physical.
Second, watch the input. The electronic world has confused convenience with healthiness. Just because you can get it on the internet does not mean you should. Just because your child is 13 does not mean that all PG-13 movies are appropriate. I can argue that most are actually not appropriate due to sexual tension and innuendo. Take some time and listen to your child’s music, see what they are looking at on the internet and be aware of what they watch. The availability of pornography to the average teenage male is out of control and at the stroke of a few computer keys. Once this boundary has been crossed, the appetite that is created is very difficult to calm and most often leads to a continued pursuit of stimulus.
Third, pay attention to what message you are sending to your kids about dating and relationships. Are you encouraging your kids to date? If so, at what age? Several years ago I actually knew of a parent who encouraged his elementary school aged son to buy a piece of jewelry for his “girlfriend” on Valentine’s Day. What message do you think that sent? At ages where our kids should be learning to build healthy relationships with peers, they believe they need to be dating. An interesting notion, when less than one percent of dating relationships survive high school. Encourage your kids to have friends rather than date. Don’t worry, they will date, it just needs to be much later than our culture encourages. I read a statistic recently that put the incidence of sexual activity among teenagers as twice as high, when dating begins before the age of 16.
It is more than that though. Our children are not emotionally, cognitively or psychologically equipped to handle these pressures at an early age. We can help. Maybe the Song of Solomon really is correct when it repeats three different times, that we should not awake desire until its proper time. Without knowledge and wisdom, developed with maturity, our children are unlikely to navigate dating relationships with much success. Parents need to dictate the time table, not our culture.
By Keith McCurdy [email protected]