Should I do what I can to make my child happy? It seems like a simple question and it is one that I hear often from parents. We are almost trained to have this “parental responsibility of happiness” mind-set from the time of our child’s birth. When a baby cries, we are told that they are either hungry, sleepy or need to be fed. We immediately go into the need meeting mode of parenting. As soon as we meet the need, they calm down and all is well. At this point it is easy to confuse the notion of meeting needs and keeping our child happy. Meeting needs is one thing, eliminating frustration in our child’s lives is quite another.
In the first few years of life, there are few needs that parents have not already met…now come the wants. Children, and many adults, have difficulty in distinguishing needs from wants and have very similar emotional reactions to both. We as parents are not always successful at deciphering the cause of our child’s emotional discord and assume that if we are calming them down and keeping them happy, that we are meeting their needs.
Yes, this means that those who are over the top with spoiling their children may actually believe that they are doing the right thing. In fact, most of the parents that I have worked with over the last two decades with this issue, want the best for their kids and have a hard time coming to grips with the reality that what they have been doing is counterproductive. By eliminating our children’s frustrations whenever they occur, we are making it more difficult for our children to function in the teen and adult world.
When we take the responsibility of making our children happy, several negative messages begin growing in our children’s minds. The first is that there is something wrong with being upset or having negative emotions. This mindset can cause great confusion and frustration in a child. Children will have negative emotions, this will never stop.
When a child believes that these experiences are bad and yet they continue to have them, they may begin to question themselves, asking what is wrong with me. Another even more problematic thought is that emotions are more important than they really are and that being happy is necessary in life. Children, who are never allowed to suffer, have difficulty understanding that a person’s life can be just fine even when they are not happy or satisfied in the moment.
When a person believes this and yet has a period of prolonged negative emotion, it can be devastating. It is interesting that with the thousands of suicidal teenagers I have known over the years, I can count on one hand the number that truly wanted to kill themselves. The majority wanted to kill how they were feeling. They did not know how to function in a state of emotional discord and they misinterpreted their negative emotions to mean that their lives were no good or not worth living. They had given too much importance to their emotions and had not learned how to effectively solve problems.
In response to these children, the work is to help them understand that their emotions are not always accurate indicators of either who they are or the quality of their life. This is then followed with helping to equip them to handle difficult emotions, a lesson that needs to be taught earlier in life.
It is vital that we allow our children to suffer, not always get what they want, hear NO, be upset, cry, etc. Our goal is not to keep them happy, but to equip them to handle all of their emotions. A big part of that is realizing that a durable child is more of the target than a happy child. Peace and contentment is more important than feeling happy.
It is not surprising that the book of James relates that we should be joyful when we struggle because this builds perseverance which leads to maturity and wisdom. The challenge is to ask ourselves, are we truly equipping our children to deal with their emotions or are we just trying to keep them happy? In my experience, an equipped child will find more happiness.
By Keith McCurdy [email protected]