Writing a newspaper column can be somewhat of a challenge. The process begins with an idea and hopefully ends with a written product that someone might like to read. I am truly amazed by those writers who are able to create multiple columns in the same week and yet continue to hold their readers attention. Dave Barry, Lewis Grizzard, and John Grogan are three of my favorites. All are equally funny and prolific, begging the question “Other than talent, what do these guys got that I don’t have?”
Lately I have been experiencing a rash of critical emails from readers. Although I am always interested in receiving constructive criticism, this recent onslaught has me wondering whether my “work” is better situated at the bottom of a birdcage as opposed to on your coffee table. Please don’t misunderstand; I am not teetering on the edge of some high ledge scratching my final thoughts on the back of a dry cleaning receipt yet, I am just wondering what compels people to strike out in print.
A few weeks ago I received a rather harsh email from a reader who would like my laptop privileges revoked with extreme prejudice. How does one respond to something like that? Anger was my first reaction, dashing off a snippy reply instructing my adversary to ask the person who was reading him the column to slow down a little bit, hoping that a lighter pace might help him understand some of the humor. Quickly, I opted to can that tact and find a kinder, more professional way to answer my detractor. I don many unflattering emotions, but I don’t wear “mean” very well. A friend of mine’s husband (who is a wonderful writer) approaches such venomous salvos in a simple and quite clever manner. By employing the sentence “Thank you for reading, your email was well typed,” he disarms the reader with a compliment regarding their computer skills while refraining from any kind of sticky skirmish. Oh, to be that smart!
While wrestling with the proper response to my assailant above, I was lambasted by a grammar freak who took exception with a small passage within a past column. Admittedly, the wonderful editors who toil for this fine publication have their hands full with a syntax-challenged oaf such as I (or is that “such as me?”); however, people who scour periodicals for grammatical errors need to go to the door, open it, and experience the beautiful, yet flawed world outside. Perhaps these folks are English majors who have been reduced to working amongst we commoners during these trying times, or maybe they are former teachers who just can’t let go of that red marker, either way please accept my sincerest apology for personally lowering the standards of “journalism” in our great country. My Mom was a librarian but she didn’t catalog her personal book collection by employing the Dewey Decimal System!
To cap off this exciting stream of denunciation, several well-meaning dog lovers scolded me for mentioning that I bought our Coonhound Mya from a breeder. Surely these folks did not know that both of my other dogs, Roscoe and Shiloh, were shelter dogs as were most of the dogs Janet and I (mostly Janet) raised over the years, and their message was well taken. The truth is that when we got Mya she was in worse shape than any shelter dog. She was a scared, shivering, wreck of a hound with an eye infection and a broken tail. Deathly afraid of loud noises (no future in hunting), there is no telling what fate awaited if we had not rescued her. I thank those who responded to that column, sharp tongued but good heartedly. I am happy to report that Mya, Roscoe and Shiloh still reside several levels above me on the family food chain and enjoy premium accommodations at Janet’s Hound Heaven.
I enjoy writing and love to hear from readers, many of whom are kind, funny people who have experienced many of the things I have chronicled in my column. For those who cast a critical eye, I welcome you as well. No one can please all of the people all of time. When one puts their neck out there in print, someone always seems to have a razor in hand. Feel free to shave me closely – just watch the Jugular vein please . . .
By Jon Kaufman [email protected]