How many of us were afraid of our parents while growing up? By afraid, I don’t mean that we thought our parents would in some way abuse us, I mean that we had a healthy respect for them and knew very clearly that they had the power to affect our lives significantly in both good and bad ways. If over 45, I’ll bet a large majority of us would say yes, we were afraid of our parents. If you are not sure, just look at what our kids do and say to us, and ask yourself if you could ever see yourself treating your parents in that way.
On a daily basis, good parents of good kids comment to me that they cannot believe how their children treat them and that they would have never gotten away with that behavior when they were young. That statement indicates the problem. It is not that we may or may not have wanted to act or say certain things to our parents; it is that we knew we would not get away with it. Children of today don’t seem to share this view.
I see two distinct issues that affect this in families today. The first is that we have become too involved in the process of discussing problematic behavior with our kids. Whether it comes from a desire to be our kids friends, from the church which emphasizes peacemaking, or even from the field of mental health which tells us to pay way too much attention to emotions, we regularly get caught up in long discussions with our children when something inappropriate has occurred.
I even had a parent recently tell me that they wanted to make sure that their child, who was four, truly understood why what he did was so wrong. Their belief was that if he understood the issue, he would naturally change the behavior in the future. Regularly I hear from other parents that they want their child to be OK with how they handle their behavior. In other words, they don’t want their child to be upset or unhappy with them.
Unfortunately, both of these approaches do not consistently lead to behavior change. When we over engage our children in discussions or process their emotions too much in the moment of the problem, we fog the message of accountability and the learning process stops. In these situations we also run the risk of teaching our children that their emotional processes are more important than they truly are. The end result is often a child that does not know how to handle frustration or cannot operate if his or her emotional world is not just right. It is vital that as a child we learn that it is OK to not always feel good or be happy.
The second issue is that we are not always successful in making a memory. What do I mean by this? If we are going to give a consequence, it needs to hurt. When we give soft or meaningless consequences, what is there that our children will remember the next time to deter them from the problematic behavior? We want our children to say “I don’t want to do that again. I remember what happened last time.” Pain is a vital part of fear. When we remember how much something hurt in the past, we are more likely to avoid it in the future. It is a simple connection that we all make. As a parent told me recently, “I told my daughter, consequences are not meant to be friendly.” Again, to do this we have to accept that we will most likely have unhappy children for a time period. It is this unhappiness that helps to create the appropriate stage for learning and it is necessary.
So, does this mean that I should never talk to my child about their behavior and just be a cold dictator handing our punishments left and right….Not exactly. There is a time to have these discussions with our kids. It is after they have been held accountable. At these times they are the most open to actually hearing what you say and more willing to really talk than to just argue. After the penalty has been served, nothing is on the line for them to lose and they are more apt to process what the consequences of their choices have been. This in turn helps to build the correct memory.
Regarding consequences, nothing says that we need to be cold and harsh. When we are dealing with poor choices and behavior in the moment, we need to do our best to be calm and caring, but firm. Remember that the consequence is the price, not our attitude. If your children don’t fear you, ask yourself if you are discussing too much or not causing enough painful memories.
By Keith McCurdy [email protected]