Some of you might remember a great slogan that came out in the 70’s, “Have you hugged your kid today?” The Director of the Kentucky Bureau of Social Services, Jack Lewis, came up with the idea after seeing something similar while traveling. The slogan was put on bumper stickers and it caused such a stir at the state fair that they had to set a limit of one per family. The idea was that every kid needed a hug, no matter what. No matter where they came from, what they had done, or who they were; they just needed this demonstration of love. This message is a great demonstration of unconditional love….this is the message of Christmas!
What is unconditional love? It is not just loving a child when they make good grades, or even when they try hard; it is loving them when they don’t. It is not loving a child when they behave or are nice with their friends; it is loving them when they are not. Unconditional love is not loving a child when they are obedient or show respect to their parents; it is loving them when they are rude and abrasive. It is deciding to show love to a child just because they are there, just because they exist. There is no pre-qualification, no earning or reward for good effort. Unconditional love is given just because.
Without realizing or planning on it, we often fall into the pattern of conditionally loving our kids. It is easy to praise them when they do good. They are fun to be around when they are laughing and joking and want to spend time with us. We feel like hugging them when they are cute and friendly. On the contrary, when they are rude, abrasive, disrespectful or just plain ugly with their behavior, we often just want them to go away. It truly is hard to hug a porcupine.
When we love our children when they are behaving, it is good. But undeserved love is gold. Our children internalize more about what we think of them and who they are when we show them love in a negative state. It is at these times that they learn that we love them just because. As one child told me several years ago, “I know they love me, they hug me when I’m a brat.” This becomes the building block for self-confidence and a positive self-image. To do this we have to break the cycle of conditional love and reach out to them when they are undesirable.
How is this the message of Christmas? Often our focus at Christmas is the lights, the family time, and of course the giving of gifts. The whole gift giving process is modeled many times after the story of the wise men giving gifts to the baby Jesus. There are two problems with this. Don’t tell your kids or the Christmas play director, but the wise men didn’t show up until Jesus was a toddler. The second is that the importance of the gift giving was not what they gave Him; it is what God gave us….the Christ. He didn’t give us Jesus because we were good, well-behaved or even nice; he gave us Jesus when we didn’t deserve Him. He reached out to us when we were undesirable. He loved us just because.
This is the unconditional love that God so freely has given us and what we are to give our children.
If you are up for a challenge over the weeks leading up to Christmas, here it is. First, pay close attention to when and how you show love to you kids. Identify when it is conditional and when you avoid them. Second, target your children when they are undesirable and love them. Be prepared, they aren’t going to give you the warmest reception, they are in a negative state. Remember that physical affection is hard to ignore, even in a bad mood. Third, repeat. Spend some time loving your children just because they are your children…….just like God did with the first Christmas. Go hug a kid for Christmas!
By Keith McCurdy [email protected]