H. Bruce Rinker

(Associated Fake News Press); 1 April 2020,1200.

Did you hear the dreadful news that medical authorities have their first unconfirmed case of a viral infection from social media?! It’s now under a full investigation.

The 73-year-old victim is an avid user of Twitter and resides in Washington DC  and plays on gulf courses and in misogynist resorts around the world. “That’s how he got it,” said the Director of Pubic Health Services. This man’s brain-sick abuse of this media tool is akin to an adolescent boy unable to resist pleasuring himself in the bathroom. This infection seems on its way to a pandemic among demagogues, dictators, corporate executives, and the minions on Wall Street.” This is only the first of many possible cases and puts us at a critical infection point in the outbreak.

Dr. Mitch MacDubious (R-KY), the Director of the Office for Dark Propaganda and Error (DOPE) informed us on13 Friday 2020 that it’s a “really, really, really nasty bug” probably released on Americans by left-leaning scientists in the climate change industry. “They are a whole heap of trouble and set on overturning a successful economy and fighting our conservative agenda to Make America Great Again. They ache for their good ole’ days under Barack Obama.” Dr. MacDubbious added, “the symptoms of the viral infection include paranoia, verbal diarrhea (frequently requiring reams of toilet paper), urinating in bed with prostitutes and Russians, an acute sensitivity to criticism, political flatulence, a deep state of depression, habitually rewarding sycophants. and an annoying novel symptom called “gravel-tongue.”

Sixty-nine-year-old Miguel Pensativa, a native of México, advises the clean coal industry in DC for the President. “We couldn’t do our work without him,”observed General Bobby Blackair, the Chief Executive of the megalithic and unprincipled company in Richmond VA, Old Dominion Fossil Fuels America Transatlantic (OLDFFART), offered this solemn thought that this may be enough for the President to shut down the upcoming election and declare a state of martial law to avoid any social chaos that might allow the virus to spread. At that point, then the President would ask Juan Roberto, the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, to announce an interim winner for the upcoming election in November. Of course we will have to consult our carefully taught Constitutional Law experts in The White House.”

Medical professionals associated with DOPE remind us that viruses are unbelievably adaptive and now have jumped from real life into cyberspace. Given that the USA has almost 2 million personal computers in use, the potential of widespread infection is very, very real. “This thing will be in our bedrooms, libraries, offices, classrooms, cars, and just about everywhere! There seems nowhere to find refuge from this Frankenstein out a socialist science lab,” continued Blackair.

FOX News reporter Lenora Nevermore (noted for her raven-like response to liberal politics, asked about its jumping into the World Wide Web to become a pandemic and then heading into interstellar space as we continue to launch vehicular carriers off-world. “Like the pods in the 1956 movie, “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” movie. Then Nevermore added frantically – “If that happens, humanity will be devoid of human emotion and empathy for the tired, huddled masses yearning to be free.” She wondered aloud if this might work in the Presidents’ favor to release him from undue stress related to his public office and act unnaturally.

That’s when Nevermore and a few of her colleagues grasped the full implications of her fears, They uttered aloud their dark conclusion: “OMG, if the President is infected, he might be an undocumented alien!” Nevermore shrieked “Should we lock him up?” A burly US Marshall standing in the back of the room began to rattle his keys and handcuffs.

Except for the soft whirring of computer processors and the rapid clicking of fancy cameras, the press room fell silent and the cameras snapped off for a few heart-stopping seconds for unknown reasons.

When they returned, there was the President with perfectly coiffed hair ready to address the Nation:

“Good evening my Fellow Americans. At this time of national crisis Your President needs your absolute loyalty, not the skepticism of those really, really terrible scientists and that nasty, nasty fake news outlet, CNN. I have said from the beginning of this pandemic that America needs to act quickly to wipe out this Chinese corona virus. It’s time for us to work together for our country with me and my crackerjack team in The White House. We don’t need or want any outside help, especially from that socialist World Health Organization (WHO)! We Americans can take care of ourselves.”

“Remember my Fellow Americans (including Barrack Obama (and I still think he’s an African), it’s not what you can do for your country, but rather what your federal government can do for you – after all we have lots of money to throw at this bug. It’s important to take care of yourselves first and foremost. It’s like what Tiny Tim said in that famous French story called ‘Much Ado about Nothin,’ I don’t care about the French except for their wines and cheese fries): ‘God bless us everyone,’ – including the Mexicans, the Chinese, CNN, and Africans – after all the Africans have elephants, giraffes, lions, hippos, ostriches, Gorillas, and even little people called Pygmies. I haven’t been there – and probably won’t go even if asked –  but Miguel Pensativa told me this morning, that he wants to go. “Miguel, what about the tsetse flies and Ebola and all those other terrible diseases?!” That place seems loaded with the Plagues of Egypt. I don’t know, we’ll figure out something to keep him safe at his own expense of course since he’s worked so hard to Make America Great Again!” “Miguel step out here to tell America what you do.” At that point, Miguel demurely declined the spotlight.

Then the President regained the camera’s attention: “We will probably have to put up with this nasty virus for a short while longer, maybe through Easter. As you know, Easter is an old American celebration of the rise of democracy from the ashes of a corrupt socialist Europe, it goes back to the time of the Pilgrims. I think our Founding Fathers would be proud of our leadership in this time of need. After all we have so many more people than they did way back then. That’s a lot of voter power.”

As the President appealed quietly to his dark angels he concluded: “Let me thank that proud award-winning American, Rush Limbaugh and so many other good Republican men; OK, women, too, for their help and prayers. They deserve our sincere appreciation for their service to this Christian Nation under God and my Presidency. Just remember I’ve done it all for you, my Fellow Americans. Let’s work together to make America Great Again!” When the time comes, vote! You’ll know what to do.” Turn away from CNN and other infected media outlets or the aliens will get you if you don’t watch out! You can find a complete list of suspicious stations and reporters with all their personal contact information at your nearest GOP office.  Ordinary citizens can go there, too, for an old-fashioned American cup of hot coffee and your glazed donuts. Just this morning, I released the funds for this national recovery act for self-indulgence.

God bless us, everyone!”

Report filed(1 April 2020,1200), Joseph McCarthy, FOX.

 

1.Bruce Rinker, Ph.D. is a forest ecologist, science educator, and an explorer who lives in Virginia’s iconic Shenandoah Valley. He is the author of A Pearl in the Brain: The Cancer Journey of A Scientist in His Search for the Seat of the Soul. (2019, Köehler Books, Virginia Beach, VA.