The Sounds of Silence

Caroline Watkins
Caroline Watkins

I hesitated using this title as I thought I had done so already. Not true! Senior moment, I suppose. Interestingly however, I just “happened” to have come across several things this week on the dangers of remaining silent. One was a TED Talk entitled, “Silence is never neutral,” where the speaker talks about as a bystander to an injustice – however small and “insignificant” – you are complicit in the act if you don’t say anything or question it.

The other was an article on the damage suffered by various men who were sexually abused as boys by not only clergy but babysitters, stepfathers and other men they trusted. They were silenced and by default, shamed, and suffered deeply- some well into their 60’s.

Although silence can be horrible, it’s sometimes necessary. Perhaps at a time when you should bite your tongue instead of inflict verbal harm on someone else. Scripture teaches us that the tongue is like “fire.” Words can indeed be like daggers and can reveal underlying bitterness. I should know. I have received them, and I have delivered them. And if we’re honest with ourselves, we all have.

Yes, sometimes we are called to “speak the truth in love” but more often, I think we are called to speak the truth about ourselves. That alone can liberate someone else to do the same. And sometimes that’s “accomplished” in silence.

Consider Frederick Buechner’s powerful words:

“The way this world works, people are very apt to use the words they speak not so much as a way of revealing but, rather, concealing who they really are and what they really think, and this is why more than a few moments of silence with people we do not know well are apt to make us so tense and uneasy. Stripped of our verbal camouflage, we feel unarmed against the world and vulnerable, so we start babbling about anything just to keep the silence at bay. But if we can bear to let it be, silence, of course, can be communion at a very deep level indeed…”

I love his term “verbal camouflage.” How about this as a perfect example? You pass a co-worker who inquires, “How are you?” And you reply, “I’m busy. So busy. Can’t see straight.” This would be an indication that you’re more of a “human doing” than a “human being” according to Omid Safi in his column, “The Disease of Being Busy.”

I had my own experience with this awareness recently. When asked how I was doing, I mindlessly replied, “I’m fine. How are you?” Then I started laughing, considering what if I had told my co-worker the truth: “I am actually on the verge of tears, thinking about the timeliness and significance of a new book I’m reading entitled Outlaw Christian, written by a dear friend of mine.” Another co-worker and good friend heard me laughing and also asked me how I was doing. This time I sat down with her and told the truth. Tears and all. Well, that conversation was real.

I try to avoid responding with “I’m busy” as I do not want my self worth to be wrapped up in that in any way, shape or form. It’s basically like saying, “I am leading an unexamined life, I’m numb, I am not fully alive.” I do, however, say, “Life is full.” I’m hoping this conveys a modicum of gratitude, even on a subconscious level.

Just this morning I wrote those words, “Life is full” to a friend in Haiti when he asked how I was doing. Then I tried something completely different, inspired by Omid Safi who identifies the Muslim equivalent to “How are you?” In Arabic, for example, it is “Kayf haal-ik?” This means, “How is your heart doing at this very moment, at this very breath?” So I wrote to my young friend, Roudy – not in Arabic nor Haitian Creole for that matter – but in plain ol’ English: “How is your…heart?” He wrote back, “My heart is sad.” Well, that “conversation” was also – and all so – real.

So try it, I dare you. Next time inquire, “How is your heart?” You may not want to know the answer because it may “force” you to examine the state of your own. A counselor once told me, “Speak your truth, and all will be well.” I’m here to tell you all may not be well – immediately anyway – depending on the gravity of that truth. It may take a while. Trust me. But the truth will set you free.

And it might just set someone else free too.

Caroline Watkins

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