I’ve never known fatherhood until I saw it in my daughter’s father.
My own father unknown to me I’ve settled for the community package version of fatherhood known as my grandfather, step-father, uncles, older cousins and hell, even some boyfriends I’ve had. And for most of my life that’s been alright for me. I’ve had a cyclical period of mourning over something I’ve never had, but needed.
When I was younger it would bother me to not know who my father was. I’d secretly become jealous of friends who knew who their fathers were, despite the fact their fathers weren’t around much.Don’t even get me started on the friends that had that Uncle Phil, Carl Winslow type of father that would just make me mad.
I tried hard to accept the versions I received, but it didn’t feel like mine or home. Yet, somehow I managed to bury those feelings. I didn’t even realize that this was still an issue for me until I gave birth to my daughter and saw how her father treated her.
So it’s an intermix of joy and pain when I see them together, because I’ll never know what it’s like to have what she has.
Someone to call her pookie. Someone to laugh at all the silly things she does. Someone to dote on her for no reason at all or take care of her when she’s not feeling well. Someone to help her when she can’t help herself. Someone to worship the ground she has yet to crawl on. Someone to look in her eyes and be in awe of all she is and all she will be.
Someone to be proud to be her father.
And I’m not even mad at that. But I wouldn’t be being honest with myself if I didn’t say it hurts me sometimes. Every girl needs her father. No, everyone deserves a father. Everyone deserves to have a father that loves and adores them. But, we won’t all get it and that’s not okay. We have to adapt and reconcile with the versions we are given.
I hope that my daughter won’t ever have to experience those hardships I did in dealing with fatherlessness. She won’t have to seek out attention and affection from a man because she didn’t receive it from her father. She won’t subconsciously look into the eyes of every lover and wonder if they will accept her. She will have a chance to be a little girl and not a woman before her time. She will know what it’s like to grow up in a stable home environment, even if me and her father’s relationship ends. There is no guarantee that she won’t face these issues, but it won’t be because we didn’t try.
I realize now that in him fathering her, in some small ways he’s fathering me too.
I know that I have a partner and I never have to parent alone. My daughter’s father not only takes care of her, he takes care of his family. Late nights and early mornings he tirelessly gives of himself without a word of complaint. He consistently supports me in anything I endeavor to do. When I begin to worry he reassures me that everything’s going to be alright. He is everything I imagined and didn’t imagine a father would be.
It is my prayer for us struggling with fatherlessness or the loss of parent that we have those uncomfortable conversations, make peace with our past, and press forward toward our future.
Please stay tuned for my series on Black fatherhood coming in the next month.
Dominique Mack is a writer, counselor, and advocate whose vision is to help people heal through their own stories. She hails from Brunswick, GA and regularly blogs for those finding their way at: http://aregulargirlthatlovesthelord.tumblr.com/ Dominique can be reached at [email protected] for more information.
