And It Was Still Hot . . .

Caroline Watkins
Caroline Watkins

These are Maurice Sendak’s parting words in one of my favorite books of all time, Where the Wild Things Are.

What made me think about this book is the famous line, Let the Wild Rumpus Start which was somewhat of a theme during the NOLS course I took after graduating from UVa – a Semester in the Rockies. A student from the course with whom I reconnected last fall recommended another book to me, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.
This Toltec wisdom book is dubbed a ‘practical guide to personal freedom’. Ruiz, a medical doctor by training, has had three brushes with death – the first, a near fatal car crash which preceded the publishing of his book in 1997. He suggests you make these four agreements with yourself – Be impeccable with your word; Don’t take anything personally; Don’t make assumptions; Always do your best.
I’d like to discuss the first one: Words. They express intentions, feelings, thoughts and beliefs. They instill fear, cast blame, conjure guilt, create chaos. Using them, we judge, wound, intimidate, disparage. With them we fan the flame of love or fuel the fire of hatred. Words communicate truth as well as lies.
Ruiz describes them in a way that is consistent with scripture: ‘…like a sword with two edges, your words can create the most beautiful dream, or your words can destroy everything around you. Our words, he suggests, inject ’emotional poison’ into others, even ourselves. Such a poignant metaphor. Our words have immense power – far more than we realize in the moment. Jesus’s brother, James, writes in his 3rd letter to the Christians:
A bit in the mouth of a horse controls the whole horse. A small rudder on a huge ship in the hands of a skilled captain sets a course in the face of the strongest winds. A word out of the mouth may seem of no account, but it can accomplish nearly anything – or destroy it. A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. (The Message translation.)
A proverb which occupies an entire page of my prayer journal is, ‘Words can nourish life and satisfy the soul’. In contrast to their destructive power, words also build up, affirm, calm and heal. Through our words we take personal responsibility. This is quite healthy, of course, unless we direct judgment and blame at ourselves and cross the fine line to self deprecation or, worse, flagellation.
Ruiz captured my attention when he emphasized that we must be impeccable with the word we say to ourselves because so often what we tell ourselves is a lie. This singular adjustment, rooted in the dedication of speaking the truth in love to ourselves, will transform our relationships with others – particularly those we love most.
To muddy the waters a bit – words can be ‘just words’ if they are not authentic or transmit truth. They can be as sweet as honey and still poison. How do you know? Ruiz would say the answer, counter intuitively, lies in self-love. He proposes: You can measure the impeccability of your word by your level of self-love. How much you love yourself and how you feel about yourself are directly proportionate to the quality and integrity of your word. Whether your word is compliment or insult, it is an indication of who YOU are.
Imagine if we are kind to ourselves, how this would translate into goodwill to everyone around us – spouse, child, parent, sibling, friend, co worker, cashier at the supermarket. On Saturday my 18 year old son and I worked out together. On route to the gym, he spontaneously mentioned that a former bagger at Harris Teeter, now away at college, told him I was the nicest customer he encountered. This made my entire day. As I recall, all I ever did was make eye contact; ask about school, work and family; and say thank you.
I have one more anecdote by which to gingerly tie up today’s thoughts. The week before last was probably the most intense of the last 18 months. I had a glorious pity party and played the violin for myself more skillfully than Itzhak Perlman. I turned inward, and I don’t think I smiled for two days. I recognized the reality I created for myself and the effect it had on others – but only when I snapped out of it. In hindsight I was not being impeccable with the words to myself which were based in fear, not love. The voices in my head were so loud, I couldn’t hear anything but woe is me. I think the voices were arguing.
C.S. Lewis said, ‘We are what we believe we are’. Most of us believe what we are told we are – as we grow up, words from parents, siblings, teachers, coaches can linger and cripple. I am not smart or attractive or successful…enough. We end up believing that we are not what we SHOULD be. We make one mistake, and as Ruiz suggests, we pay for it a thousand times.
In addition to my prayer of being dedicated to the truth, I have added the following: to be dedicated to the truth about myself, to resist self deception and to take responsibility for my actions without beating myself up over and over again. What struck me upon further reflection is the ultimate sin is that which harms ourselves. Ruiz convincingly offers this, but I questioned it – at first. Wouldn’t the ultimate sin be against God or others? You may not agree but at least consider that sin which harms ourselves causes needless suffering within us. This can lead to self loathing, and self loathing does indeed cause needless suffering in others.
If you see yourself through God’s lens, however, and not the lens of your disappointed mother, father, teacher or the bully from middle school, you will find someone precious, loved and worthy, and everyone one around you will enjoy lasting benefits. This, my friends, will change the world.
Yes, be impeccable with your words to others, but start with those you say to yourself.

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