Making it Right

by Keith McCurdy

To this day I still remember what my mother would make me do when I got into a fight with my sister…I had to hug her and make up.  Do I need to tell you how repulsive that was to a ten year old boy?  I would have to say that I never really understood the point when I was a kid.  I often thought it was just a type of cruel punishment that my mom enjoyed forcing upon me.

Now as an adult, I think I get it.  My mother made us “own” it.  If we did the crime, we had to make it right.  This type of simple, yet valuable, lesson is seen much less today.  I regularly deal with parents who struggle with having their kids “own” their bad behavior . . . and yes it is bad behavior, not just poor choices.

“Johnny was upset, that is why he did that”, or “Mary has difficulty in those situations and others just don’t understand her way of dealing with her friends,” are the type of comments I hear regularly when a parent is either defending or excusing bad behavior.  The issue is not WHY they may have done something, the issue is wrong, bad, inappropriate behavior is wrong, bad, and inappropriate behavior . . . and it needs to be dealt with.

There are two obstacles that I see most that keep parents from helping their children “own” their bad behavior.  The first is difficulty accepting that all children do bad things and secondly, we over focus on “why” they do them.

First of all, all children do bad things. All children lie, cheat and steal.  For some reason we are very uncomfortable with this as parents yet we know it is true.  Our own experience shows us this with our very own children when they are toddlers.  This does not just disappear on its own.  We have to train them.  We can’t do this well if we act surprised as if Johnny is not capable of doing bad things.

Regularly I hear from teachers about conferences or phone calls with parents who do not want to accept that their child has done something wrong.  These same parents defend their inappropriate actions in the classroom or towards other students rather than hold them accountable.  In most cases, the parents are really defending themselves.  Many parents today believe that how their child behaves is a direct indicator of how they are doing as parents.  No one wants to admit that they are doing a bad job as a parent so we defend our kids at all cost.

The second obstacle to helping our children “own” their behavior is that we make excuses for them.  We think why they did it matters.  I do not have enough paper to list all of the great excuses I have heard over the years as to why children have done the bad, mean things they do.  There seems to be this notion that if the reason is good enough, then the behavior doesn’t really matter.

 “It is understandable why Mary acted that way, isn’t it?” I was asked recently by a parent.  My answer was sure, I understand it, but it is still wrong.  Feeling bad or angry does not justify hitting or saying mean things to someone.  It might be why you did it, but it doesn’t in any way justify the response as healthy or appropriate.  When we follow this logic, we teach our kids that a certain degree of offense by another justifies bad behavior.  This leads to a kid who always blames everyone else for their problems.  There is no ownership of anything at that point.

The good news is that our children and their behavior do not dictate what kind of parents we are.  How we respond to their behavior is a better indicator of our parenting.  Secondly, it is pretty easy to stop making excuses and help a kid own their bad behavior.

First, call it what it is . . . bad, wrong, inappropriate behavior.   Second, have them make it right.  I have dealt with some of the most out of control, angry and violent kids over the years.  I have seen these same kids begin to chart a different path when the focus shifted from why they did what they did to what they were going to do to make it right.  When a child, or adult, is held accountable for correcting a wrong, they own it.   Once they “own” it, they can begin to change it.

Take a look at how you approach your child when they are in the wrong.  Do you hold them accountable?  Do you have them make it right?  The second step is vital for their healthy development.  Apology letters, seeking forgiveness, and making amends all serve as significant character builders in a child’s life.

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