348 Days, 17 Hours, 59 Minutes, 59 Seconds. 58…57…56…


by Mike Keeler

Dude, welcome to 2012, and the end of the world. The proof is, like, undeniable. During the construction of a highway in southern Mexico in the 1960’s, workers unearthed a Mayan stone tablet now known as “Monument Six.” On this tablet they found the Mayan Long Count calendar, which apparently measures time from way back in 3114 BC, using units of 394 years known as Baktuns. Since the Mayans had a fondness for the number 13, the Long Count ends after 13 Baktuns, which falls on December 21, 2012. After that, there was no more room on the rock. (GET IT? NO MORE ROCK, NO MORE TIME!)

But wait, there’s more. Until recently, the Long Count was the only known Mayan reference to this date. But just this past November, the Mexico National Institute of Anthropology and History announced that they had in their inventory a brick found at a Mayan ruin in southern Mexico some time ago. It had a date carved on it…an evil date…December 21, 2012! The “Comalcalco Brick” has not been on display since it was found, and the Institute’s spokesman downplays that it predicts any disaster. (SO WHY WERE THEY HIDING IT? WHY??!!)

And isn’t December 21st the Winter Solstice? Dude! This year it’s not just a solstice, it’s, like, the SUPER Solstice! On that date, the sun will be aligned, like, perfectly in the middle of the whole, like, freakin’ Milky Way, and that hasn’t happened in, like, 25,800 years! (IT’S, LIKE, AN OMEN OF SUPER-GALACTIC DESTRUCTION!)

And now here’s the worst part. The Mexico Tourist Board is reporting that they are expecting an apocalyptic spike in tourism to Mayan sites, up from an average of 22MM visitors each year, to, like, 52MM in 2012. Do you know what this means? More frequent flyer black-out dates. Airplanes headed to Mexico, fully packed! Crammed hotels from Ixtapa to Acapulco!! No tables available at Sammy Hagar’s Cabo Wabo Cantina!!! And maybe, just maybe, dude, a shortage of Gran Patrón Burdeos Añejo Tequila. THIS IS, LIKE, THE END OF THE WORLD!!!! LIKE, REALLY!