What is the biggest problem with kids today? When I ask that question to a group of parents, I get many answers …grades, drugs, promiscuity, rudeness, attitude, disobedience, etc. I would bet that as you read this article, you can think of several other additions to this list. While all the issues mentioned above are commonplace today, most are a result or consequence of another issue in some way. For the past twenty years in private practice, the most significant issue I have seen with children is the change from being others-focused to self-focused. This paradigm shift that has been taking place over the last forty years in child-rearing has allowed a decline in the regard that is shown others and has supported the development of personal achievement above all else.
The basic teaching of manners, courtesy and the respect for others has been overshadowed by the pursuit of other well-meaning yet misplaced ideals. One example is athletics. How many times have you watched a baseball game with very “gifted” young athletes who bully their teammates and opponents or are rude to their parents after the game when they are told they don’t get to go out for a Slurpee? How often do we have a child at home that is disrespectful to parents or rude to siblings and yet we pile them in the car at all hours and drive them to practice …. all in the name of teaching them to be a good teammate and follow through on their commitment to the team.
Hey, what about the first team … the FAMILY? We justify it in our heads that if “junior” doesn’t show up for practice, the whole team will suffer. He will let them down and in essence, I will let them down. After all, “junior” is the best pitcher the team has … Who cares! The most important role that junior will ever have, even if he is a star pitcher later in life, is a member of a family or community.
We see the effect of this shift in academics as well, just much earlier in life. Today children have preschool, kindergarten, many variations of special education and support by classroom aides. It is rare for a child to begin first grade not knowing how to read and many children are even learning the basics of a second language. If you talk to your grandparents about school, it is quickly realized that much has changed. In their generation, there was no preschool, kindergarten, special education or teacher aides. Most children showed up in school not knowing how to read. That is what school was for. In their generation, children showed up ready to learn. They showed up with manners and respect for authority. When I have asked teachers today which they would rather have, the child that knows how to read and write in first grade or the child that has respect for authority and others …. The answer is always, the child that is respectful of authority.
When we allow our focus to become the personal achievements of our children, we do them a disservice. We teach them, often without knowing, that they and their achievements and accomplishments are more important than how they relate to others. They become self-absorbed.
When we allow manners and courtesy to others to take second place to commitment to a team, we teach that how you act is not important, just what you achieve. They learn the end justifies the means.
When you think … “Man, I would never talk to my parents that way.” You are probably right, we typically didn’t. It is time for kids to be taken back a few years and miss a few baseball games and show up to school being respectful. Just think how nice it would be to have a whole generation of youngsters learning to hold doors open and say “yes ma’am” and “ yes sir”.
