I remember the TV newsman, David Brinkley, once commented on the qualifications of a particular political candidate: “He says he’s a tax payer and a father, neither of which requires any talent.” He was right about the first part but wrong about the second. This past week, millions paid their quarterly tax estimate. The only talent that requires is not forgetting to do it and finding the money to meet the amount. The act of becoming a father is another matter. While the initial event sometimes happens without any foresight or planning, becoming a good father should be the work a lifetime.
How it is done sometimes is a matter of chance. There is no shortage of books on how to get it right and a lot of them are worth reading. Years ago, Charlie Shedd wrote one, Letters to Karen. He was famous for a while and many others have written books in a similar vein. One currently on the best seller list is Council of Dads by Bruce Feiler. Another is The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch. Both young men were diagnosed with a potentially fatal malignancy and they set about to leave a set of instructions for their children. Pausch died July 25, 2008 but Feiler seems to have overcome his disease. On Saturday and Father’s day he will be on a CNN special Dads for My Daughters. Air time is 8 PM and it’s moderated by Sanjay Gupta; should be worth a watch.
Preparing to die would certainly get a young father’s attention but since most of us are spared that tragedy we generally muddled along doing the best we could, but often without a lot of thought. Certainly, most provided the basics but after the children are grown, frequently one realizes that most of what was done was modeled on their own fathers. Today, children are growing up in an astounding number of families where there is no resident father. In my childhood, I knew only one family where that was true. The sons of fatherless families today will have to work even harder to become a successful role model. In such homes, an elder brother, a stepfather, or a father figure becomes critically important.
Nearly all of us will leave behind no lasting mark on the world except in the children we have fathered. The professional accomplishments will soon be forgotten, the relationships that were loving will be replaced by others, memories will remain, to be sure, but the living legacy for fathers and mothers alike will be their children.
At the risk of oversimplification there are a few things worth marking this Father’s Day. Each child needs daily reminders that they occupy a special place in our world, that we are proud of them. That’s so easy to miss in the frenetic pace we live. Unless it is an intentional act, it likely to be overlooked. Charlie Shedd gave an important piece of advice on that front. He suggested that once a week the dad should set aside two hours to do something alone with his child. When there are lots of children, it would be a weekly event for just one but everybody knew when it was their turn. He let the child choose the activity. If it was dinner, they chose the restaurant. If they wanted only ice cream, they got it. In busy years, it often was breakfast at McDonalds. Most important, he just let them be the center of attention for the whole time. In my own experience, I found that alone, each girl had a different personality than the one seen in the context of the whole family.
In addition to that bit of advice, I remember others that said of all the things children need consistency is one of the most important. One would like to think it would be a consistently happy and loving environment. In the best of all worlds that would be true, but it’s more basic than that. Children need to know on what they can count. Even if it is hard and difficult, they learn how to cope. If life is this way today and another way tomorrow, then they grow up never knowing what might be coming around the corner, always on edge about the future.
All fathers would, I hope, look back on Father’s Day and reflect on what they have done. If honest, there will be many things that will cause anguish but the bright side is that there may still be time to a make amends. There will be happy memories of children now growing and those grown with families of their own. They are all gifts and we fathers and mothers hand them to the world. We ought to give it our best shot. It’s seldom too late to be a good parent.
By Hayden Hollingsworth [email protected]
