After Divorce, Slow Down

It is an unfortunate reality that divorce is so common in our children’s lives today.  Some would say that we don’t see divorce as that big of a deal these days, while others, myself included, would say that we don’t see marriage as that big of a deal.  Regardless of why it is so common, it is important to realize that children process and move through the realities of divorce much differently and at a different pace than adults.

Too often I am asked questions such as, “How long do you think it should be before I date again?” “When should I introduce the kids to my girlfriend?” or “Is it true that I need to wait a year before I find someone else?”   My response is usually seen as not very positive.  I often ask an individual why they think they will or should ever date or pursue another relationship.  After a few blank stares and often a little defensiveness, I ask if they are considering what is best for their children.  Many times I find out that parents aren’t aware of how what they are going through differs from what the children are processing.  Here are a few examples.

Parents are often thinking of pursuing another relationship.  It is much easier for an adult after divorce to see their past marriage as over and finished and therefore, they now have a void that they would like to fill.  This leads them to look for another relationship.  Children for the most part, don’t have the same type of void.  They did not lose a spouse and in most cases did not lose a parent.  For them, they still have loyalties to both parents and are not considering having another individual involved in their lives in a parenting role.  For an adult, the feeling of life being out of control after divorce often appears to be eased with another relationship.  For a child, the feeling of being out of control is eased when they see that regardless of divorce, they still have ongoing loving relationships with their parents and that their parents can relate to each other in a healthy manner.  Another adult involved in the process is often a distraction and can make it more difficult for a child to perceive stability in their life.

Another difference between parents and children in divorce is that the adults have lost a specific type of relationship.  The children on the other hand have not.  They have lost a specific system that they have grown to know and feel comfortable in.  In most cases they do not see the introduction of another individual as stabilizing, it is just another aspect that makes developing stability in this new reality that much harder.  It is tough enough for a kid to figure out how to deal with two parents who are divorced than to have to deal with where to put another adult who now has allegiances to one of their parents and not the other.  The development of a new and stable system with their parents is what is most vital for them.

A third thing to consider is that once divorced, the job of dealing with the other parent is in many cases, more difficult.  The healthiest position is that the divorced parents support each others role with the kids.  For the children to see this unity goes a long way in developing stability in their upended lives.  As one parent commented to me recently, “I have to work harder now to deal with their father than I did when we were married.”  This process takes time and can be much more difficult when trying to juggle a new relationship at the same time.

There are many great stepparents out there today that make tremendous differences in the lives of their stepchildren.  It is not that this should be avoided.  The key is to not rush in that direction.  For children of divorce, stability with their parents is the most important aspect of dealing with divorce.

This stability with the new dynamics of divorced parents is a slow and delicate process.  Some children struggle with this for the rest of their lives.  It is often said that children are very resilient, and they are.  They are, however, rarely ready to accept a new person in their life at the time that their parent may be ready to have a new relationship.  Just because a parent is ready to move on is not an indication that a child is.  Don’t buy into the lie that “they need another parent.”  In their world they still have two parents to deal with.  For the sake of the children, slow down the process of a new relationship and focus on development of stability in their new circumstances.  Your children will love you for it.