Is there a particularly healthy attitude to have in marriage? This question, or some form of it, comes up quite frequently in premarital counseling. In response, I often point out that there are many different attitudes and approaches to marriage that are not only healthy, but necessary for a marriage to succeed and flourish. Over the years while doing both premarital and marriage counseling, I continue to see one area of confusion that can either set up a healthy approach or allow a very subtle unhealthy idea to remain. This is the notion of having a 50/50 marriage.
At first, this notion makes sense and is simple to understand. A couple gets married and quickly begins dividing up responsibilities and duties. “You take care of this and I will take care of that.” The idea is that we are splitting the obligations in marriage and working together for success. Over time each person falls into their routines and becomes comfortable with these duties, often based on interest and skill. Well then, what is the problem? Isn’t this what a partnership is all about?
The danger with a 50/50 marriage is the notion of equity in the division of labor or burdens. “I’ll do my part and she will do hers,” is the thinking. Before long, one or the other begins to look at what their spouse is doing and they make a judgment about whether the division of labor is fair or equal. If it is determined that things are not equal, bitterness can creep in. Before long, a couple begins to keep score. All of a sudden it is no longer about what each person is doing, it is about what the other one is not doing. This is inflamed even more if one or the other slacks off and isn’t fulfilling their commitments. In this mindset there is little room for having a bad day or being off your game. At this point the finger pointing begins and the blame starts. The mindset can move quickly to “If he isn’t going to do this, then I am not going to do that.” The downward spiral continues and eventually infects the emotional relationship and stands in the way of the couple being loving and caring for one another.
The big flaw in this mindset is that there is not “equal” in marriage. Who determines what is fair? To this day I still can’t tell you which are more difficult or trying, having a screaming baby hang on your leg all day that you have to feed, change, read to, not have time to go to the bathroom yourself, etc. or put in 8 hours at the office with everyone wanting your time and energy. The truth is, it depends on the person and the day. The other significant flaw in the process is that no one said that marriage would be an equal adventure. That is why it is a commitment. If it was equal and always complimentary, it would be a breeze that could be maintained without significant effort or concern. That sure doesn’t describe marriages that I am aware of.
The healthy mindset is to have a 100%/100% marriage. This type of approach says that I am going to love my wife……period. This love is not contingent on what she does. It is the commitment that I make. Most of us had the famous statement in our vows, “In sickness and in health.” That is a 100% marriage. We are to love each other even when the other one is not doing their part, for whatever reason. In practical terms, I am going to continue to love, support, encourage, work hard, etc., especially when my spouse is not. The focus moves from what the other is or is not doing to what I am doing. There is no keeping of score or blaming. The commitment in marriage is that I will love and respect, not I will love and respect if she is doing her part.
I challenge couples to evaluate if they are keeping score. If they are, then they are not capable of loving each other fully. Take time and ask yourself whether or not you are keeping score. Then focus on what you can do to improve the marriage…. and let your spouse know what you appreciate about them.
By Keith McCurdy [email protected]
