Wild Bill’s Sports Roundup!

Bill Turner

“The Ouija Spoke,

That’s All She Wrote,

Katie Bar the Door.”

Yep, that was the lead-in November, 2015 as my now famous Ouija Board finished the high school football season with an uncanny .889 winning record with its predictions. Thus, I barred the door, and bronzed The Ouija.

At that time, my Vegas sports book confidant, Harry “The Weasel”, advised me to quit while on top.

“You’d be turned away at the city limits here if you could hit that mark regularly,” Harry noted.

Well, readers have been pushing for the predictions to return, but I’m staying pat. Despite the fact that The Ouija has produced 9 perfect weeks since 2007, and The Chief came within a missed 2-point conversion from having to cough up a Maserati a couple years ago, I’ll remain in prediction retirement.

I haven’t let that lost sports car slip my mind, however, which leads to a counter-proposal later in the column after my falconry expedition that you’ll read about as well in this edition’s sports section.

Also, we’re getting set for a 10th anniversary party here at The Star. Traditionally, that’s the one marked with tin or aluminum. But, The Chief shouldn’t try to get comfortable by giving me a gift with twelve aluminum cans.

Good try, but no cigar.

It’s been nearly 10 years since the inception of The Star, and my beginning in these pages. I have to give credit to Gene Marrano for my start here, after being mentored by Gene at the old Cave Spring Connection while covering Southwest County sports. Then came The Chief, who cut my leash in what would lead to the most unique sports column around.

That brings us to looking back at some of the wildest features in this column and the top moments along the way. We’ll keep it up in the upcoming two months to reminisce about the best and worst late-night product reviews, a historical look at the key sports moments in this paper and how The Chief rose to celebrity status with the help of this column (It’s about right here you can expect a “publisher’s comment. “) Publisher’s Note: Indeed … Wild Bill is known to have a somewhat selective memory but in fairness, it’s clearly not as “selective” as mine in some areas . . .)

Goodness. Plus the rise in IQ you’ll get when picking up tidbits right here. Yes, you always learn something in this column.

First, a little housekeeping.

Congratulations to seven of our eleven “Big-11” high school football teams that opened the season with wins. Two were locks because of matchups within the “Big-11”, and North Cross didn’t play.

Attention all Radford University fans. The Roanoke Valley Sports Club will have a RU basketball night at it’s September 18th meeting at the Salem Civic Center. Plus, much more with a pair of area sports legends being honored at the gathering. It’s going to be a blockbuster night, with guests and perspective new members welcome. Contact Maggie Drewry at 540-353-1103 for questions or to purchase tickets. The fun begins with a 5:45 social, followed by the dinner meeting at 6:00 pm.

The Salem Red Sox are in the midst of a stretch run for a spot in the Carolina League playoffs. The Sox had a hiccup in the first half, allowing Lynchburg to capture the first-half title on the last day via a tiebreaker. Lynchburg has run away with the Northern Division second half title, meaning the second place team gets the playoff nod. Salem and Frederick were neck-and-neck heading to the final week. The Sox played at Frederick Tuesday-Thursday Aug. 29-31, followed by a 4-game home series against Winston-Salem Friday through Monday. The survivor of the Salem-Frederick race opens the Northern Division best-of-5 series against Lynchburg with two home games.

Now, to our initial “Anniversary Edition” late-night product review. As George “Kingfish” Stevens in the old ‘Amos and Andy’ comedy series would say….”Holy mackerel.” The Chief likes to stay with sports, so we present the ‘Uro Golf Club.’ Past jewels in this product series have included ‘Perfect Polly,’ ‘The Go Pilot’ and ‘Star Shower Holiday Lights’  – but this latest gadget beats them all.

Here’s the pitch: Discreet design, easy to distinguish from your other clubs, watertight screw on cap and easy to clean. Oh, brother. This contraption is a fake 3-iron, hollowed out in the shaft with a frontal kilt-like golf towel. The purpose?

If you’ve had too many bottles of water or beer by the third hole, and there’s no bathroom, trees or bushes in sight, you simply pull out the club, unscrew the cap, drop down the towel, and yea… you’ve got the picture, urinate into the club’s shaft. You can’t make this stuff up.

Hopefully, your playing partners won’t catch on, and the cap won’t fly off in your backswing. I’m giving the ‘Uro Club’ a top Five-Star rating. It’s a great concept of deception for the tinkling guy on the links, not to mention frowning members.

Next, to the best moments in the last 10 years for my sports column.

Very tough choices to pick from, but #1  has to be in 2013, when a casual encounter on the practice tee with PGA pro John Daly’s entourage at the Old White TPC during The Greenbrier Classic PGA Tour event led to my unexpected and unbelievable association with Loudmouth Golf. Most people today point me out as the Loudmouth guy or the guy with the awesome pants. And, to answer the question I get most, I have 75 different pairs.

Finally, I’m set for a round of golf with The Chief and his new 3-iron, stopping first to look at the Bentley Motorcars Bentayga. Gotta sell The Chief on the idea of a corporate limo with falcons.

Bill Turner