Shame on me.
When we look at ourselves in the mirror, do we see our reflection or our shame looking back at us? Is it all misconstrued?
Some of us spend so much time perfecting and correcting our shame; we let it consume us. When it should’ve only been a piece of the story, we make it the climax. Hold a flag, make it a hero, give it a badge, call it courage. We must announce it before we enter a room. Announce it, before someone else can. Announce it, before someone else can contrive another unsavory illusion.
Shame on us.
What would happen if we owned it, instead of punishing ourselves behind closed doors?
Feeling guilty over the facade, the pretending that we’re whole.
We’ve all got a shame story or two.
Some of us are still living with a shame we concocted about ourselves. Fables and labels we’ve held too close to our hearts. The shame about a failed relationship. The wayward child. The parent that disowned or never claimed you. The mother you wanted to be. The addiction you let destroy you. The secrets you’ve held. The accomplishment you didn’t achieve. The weight you’ve gained. The choices and mistakes you’ve made. Never feeling good enough, adequate, or worthy.
Shame on me.
Shame on me for competing in love and believing you were the prize and I was the trinket. Shame on me for feeling I was auditioning every time we communed. Shame on me for not knowing my worthiness was not validated by you, loving me. Shame on me for feeling guilty over the things that were beyond my control. Shame on me for thinking my mistakes made me unloveable. Shame on me for believing my choices that failed, deemed me inadequate. Shame on me for repeating a story about myself, that allowed other people to feel comfortable. Shame on me for dwelling in a space where I accepted all those things were okay.
Shame on us.
Shame on us for using false contentment, our anger, or our numbness as a barrier. Shame on us for not identifying our misguided attempts at covering it up, as a cry for help. Shame on us for using it as a tactic of avoidance so we wouldn’t have to confront our own demons, when we confronted yours. Shame on us for never asking, “What’s really going on?” Shame on us for not really wanting to know the answer.
We must differentiate what is shame, what is pain, what is a mistake, and what has been give to us. Some of it we can take responsibility for, acknowledge our truth and the roles we’ve played. But we can’t blame ourselves for every situation, those things that were simply out of our hands.
Shame on us for trying to make every wrong situation right, for trying to fix the unfixable, and not moving on after the wreckage and before the crosswalk ahead. Shame on us for misinterpreting shame as sin and believing in a God we think is punishing us. Shame on us for not knowing that God would love us in any condition we are.
It is my prayer for us that we give ourselves permission to mourn the pain we wrapped in beauty and called: shame on me.
Dominique Mack is a writer, counselor, and advocate whose vision is to help people heal through their own stories. She hails from Brunswick, GA and regularly blogs for those finding their way at: http://aregulargirlthatlovesthelord.tumblr.com/ Dominique can be reached at [email protected] for more information.
