Forgiveness Without Borders

Caroline Watkins
Caroline Watkins

This title is a tweaking of one I started with: Trust Without Borders, which came from a song I recently heard in church. Without fail, when I have had a title, I have a column. The words sometimes pour out; sometimes, drip. But they always come.

Not this time though. I hit a wall. Staring blankly at the screen with a mental note that I needed to be able to write about the proverbial shoe lace – which didn’t help by the way – I simply let it go. That is, until the revised title popped into my head several days later. Now THAT I could write about I thought…and hoped…and prayed.

Not surprisingly, I first jotted down a few quotes and watched a relevant TED Talk – make that two actually. On forgiveness, of course, a topic which, when I’ve touched on it previously, has elicited some of the most heartfelt responses.

One talk was given by a man, who after a car crash, was left a hemiplegic (new term to me), entitled: “In search of the man who broke my neck.” The other was given by a man who committed murder and spent two decades in prison, entitled: “Why your worst deeds don’t define you.” Both men were 19 years old when these devastating events happened in their lives.

I’m not, however, going to describe these talks in detail. This column is meant to outline what I’ve learned about forgiveness.

Forgiveness requires humility. Abiding, genuine humility. Not the false humility of which Frederick Buechner speaks – one which does not cause you to think less of yourself but of yourself less often.

Forgiving doesn’t mean condoning, and forgiving once doesn’t mean you won’t have to do it again – and again – perhaps as many as 70 times 7 times, as Jesus teaches.

Forgiveness is not unilateral. I believe you can forgive without the other person knowing that you have done so, especially if that person is no longer alive – or no longer alive to you – but it takes a reception in order to be complete. Plus recognition, remorse and recommitment in order to rebuild. And the latter necessitates, in no uncertain terms, the willingness to lead an examined life.

Forgiving and forgetting is not entirely possible but forgiving without dredging up the past is absolutely necessary.

C.S. writes, “And the joke, or tragedy, of it all is that these golden moments in the past, which are so tormenting if we erect them into a norm, are entirely nourishing, wholesome, and enchanting if we are content to accept them for what they are, for memories. Properly bedded down in a past which we do not miserably try to conjure back, they will send up exquisite growths. Leave the bulbs alone, and the new flowers will come up. Grub them up and hope, by fondling and sniffing, to get last year’s blooms, and you will get nothing…”

Forgiveness is incumbent upon us. CS Lewis also offers that if we proclaim ourselves as Christians, we must “forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable” in us. We love because He first loved us. And so too we forgive.

Forgiving is an antidote to bitterness, resentment and a hardened heart. It is a gift, not only to the other person but more significantly, to yourself. And it is a pathway to joy, I promise!

Forgiveness is freedom. Author Frederick Buechner writes that for both parties, the wounded and the forgiven, “forgiveness means the freedom again to be at peace inside their own skins and to be glad in each other’s presence.” FDR’s motto was: Let unconquerable gladness dwell. Wouldn’t it be great to live like that? Forgiving someone just might be the first step.

It’s OK to seek clarity, get angry, allow for grief (i.e. fully process in my world) then…unclench your fists, give it to Him who, by His limitless mercy, can make all things new and work all things for good and let the past … sleep.

Do you have someone in your life you need to forgive – perhaps someone who has wronged not even you, but a loved one? Do not tarry. Ask for help from the One who first forgave you. Then go see them. Or call/FaceTime/Skype if they’re far away. Do it today.

And I guarantee you won’t be sneaking across that border into new territory, you’ll be dancing.

No green card required.

– Caroline Watkins

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