I was reminded of this song recorded by “The Boss,” Bruce Springstein in the 1970’s after what amounts to an unplanned hiatus in my writing, a dry spell of sorts. I have been, as my mother would say, responding to the “tyranny of the urgent” in both my work and personal life. The most “urgent” task before me has been buying a home. This was my first purchase since the economic downturn and, boy, as a Realtor do I have new empathy for my buyers. “Buckle up” will be my advice to them from now on.
Nevertheless, I received news a couple of Sunday’s ago which knocked me off my feet. I don’t remember feeling that in shock since my mother died unexpectedly in 2002, news I received, interestingly, on a Sunday as well.
Back then, I remember feeling like I had been punched in the stomach. I staggered outside, squatted by a tree and whispered, “No…no…no.” This most recent time, however, my mouth went dry, my heart started racing and my peripheral vision seemed to vanish.
As I allowed the details to wash over me, I felt the urge to hike to Beagle Gap off of Skyline Drive and pray. I had spent many a Thursday night up there with the UVA Outing Club back in the day – when the weather was fine, the tradition was to hike up at night with merely a sleeping bag and return in time for Friday classes.
The mantra that came on this unforgettable day was, “do the next right thing, and do the next right thing after that.” Sometimes it’s just too overwhelming to do anything else. What made absolutely no sense at first, however, started to, gradually, as the events of the following week unfolded.
Oddly, one of the moments of clarity came in a prothsodontist’s chair. This is a specialty of dentistry about which I knew nothing previously. My researching and subsequently seeking “treatment” is purely a function of vanity by the way. My front teeth have never been quite to my liking for say, 40 years after a childhood trampoline accident in which I lost a permanent front tooth. The first step in this particular appointment was a series of 15,000 x rays – or so it seemed.
The technician prepped me by saying that everything that is accomplished in these lengthy visits is to produce the best possible result. The prothsodontist has to see everything in my mouth and evaluate how everything is not only connected but functions together.
She continued by gently informing me that she was going to insert an impossibly large – and awkwardly shaped – apparatus into my mouth. I’m sure my eyes widened as I pondered the likelihood of her success in doing so. I muttered to myself, “Holy Cow,” yet truthfully “cow” was not the operative word.
She touched my arm and offered, “You don’t HAVE to go through this.” After a brief skirmish in my mind, I concluded that actually, I DO have to go through this. Want to anyway.
The appointment lasted over two hours. Following x rays were a series of digital pictures – some uncomfortably close; some where the flash was so bright I had to squeeze my eyes shut; some during which my mouth was held open so wide, I felt like Wallace (from Wallace and Gromit).
Then, the impressions. Dear heavens, I have not had to focus on my breathing that intently since giving birth to four children au natural. Well, it wasn’t completely au natural. I had the “benefit” of stadol which my doctor said would “take the edge off.” Right.
After quite literally gagging, drooling and otherwise feeling thoroughly embarrassed during this step, I listened calmly while the prothsodontist gave a simple summary of his work, which really struck me: “Some people don’t need it. Some people don’t know they need it. Some people don’t want it.”
As my mind is prone to do – and maybe yours too – it was starting to create order out of disorder as I was sitting/lying there feeling somewhat vulnerable and very exposed. I started to recognize how critical light is in exposing truth as well as our secrets.
Frederick Buechner writes:”We are our secrets. They are the essence of what makes us ourselves. They are the rich loam out of which, for better or worse, grow the selves by which the world knows us. If we are ever to be free and whole, we must be free from their darkness and have their spell over us broken. If we are ever to see each other as we fully are, we must see by their light.”
Light begets light if you will . . . I just love that!
To get the best result, as the technician implied, you have to go through each step, not skipping one because it’s too painful. Never did these words ring more true, “Blessing does not equal comfort.” There has already been unexpected blessing out of the painful situation I have faced.
And it was all brought about by truth telling.
Truth will absolutely set you free, my friends, as well as those you love most.
And it all starts by telling the truth to . . . yourself.
– Caroline Watkins
