What the heck does that mean?” a self-described “church kid” asked me in my office a few years ago. He came in wanting to know how to better deal with his parents and was frustrated that he kept getting what he thought was the run around. All in all he was a pretty good kid, he had decent grades, a nice girlfriend, did not use alcohol or drugs and was a regular at his Wednesday night youth group meetings. The problem was that he just did not have a great relationship with his parents. He told me that his parents had been telling him that he did not honor and respect them and when that changed, his life would be a little easier.
In response to this intro, I told him that his parents were exactly right, when he learned to honor and respect them, things would get better. The problem was that he, like so many other teenagers today, had no clue what that looked like in everyday life. In a subtle but consistent way, he had adopted an attitude that demonstrated contempt towards his parents and left them with a significant lack of desire to do things for him. While in most aspects he was a “good kid”, his attitude colored how his parents responded to him and left him frustrated. To change this situation, he needed to learn what honoring and respecting really looked like. The two things he needed to learn were how to be agreeable and thankful.
An attitude that reflects honor towards your parents is being “agreeable”. This does not mean that you have to agree with your parents’ opinions or thoughts; being agreeable means that even when you disagree, you will honor their requests by following their direction. An example of this is when a parent asks for help with the trash. Do you act like it is a big inconvenience and complain or say “in a minute”, or do you put down what you are doing and go help. As one kid put it, “you mean just go with the flow, if they ask you to do something, just do it.” This willingness to respond quickly and without frustration is rarely missed by parents and helps to create a desire on their part to respond more positively to their children.
An attitude that reflects respect towards a parent is being “thankful”. I often ask teenagers what they thank their parents for. Usually, after a long silence, they say “not much”. Yet when I ask what things their parents do for them I get a long list. When you begin to thank your parents for all of the many things they do for you, it demonstrates that you appreciate their participation in your life. It is as simple as saying “thanks for dinner Dad” or “thanks for the ride Mom.” This type of communication reflects a respect for their time and effort given for your benefit. In response, parents are more inclined to find ways to continue doing things for their children.
The challenge that I gave this young man was to take three weeks and give it a try. I encouraged him to put a significant effort into responding quickly and positively when requests were made of him and to look daily to find things to be thankful for. In three weeks time, the outcome was obvious. He came back and said, “Ok, now I get it.” What he had experienced was that by adopting this attitude he not only got more “stuff” as he put it, but he realized just how much his parents did for him and how little they really asked of him in return. This helped to create a more positive atmosphere in his home which led to a better relationship with his parents. This change in attitude did not solve everything, but it did allow for a better foundation of communicating and solving problems in the future.
The challenge is a simple one….Give it a try!
Keith, what a great article. my wife carries a copy in her purse and shares it with other parents who are in the same situation. lets kids and parents know that they are not the only ones in that boat!